


thank you for your order

by phidari



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Epistolary, Gen, One Shot, Online Shopping, POV Dirk Strider, POV Second Person, Pesterlog, Temporal Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 11:50:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4786307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phidari/pseuds/phidari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dirk trolls his bro through the internet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	thank you for your order

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even Homestuck fic anymore, I'm just clearing out my old stuff from years ago.
> 
> I doubt Dirk would actually be capable of this but I like the idea. Maybe Calliope gave him some kind of time-travel web browser along with Pesterchum, who knows.

**Thanks for your order, timaeusTestified!**

**Billing Address:**  
Dave Strider  
220 ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ Ave. Loft  
Houston, TX ▇▇▇▇▇-▇▇▇▇

**Shipping Address:**  
Dave Strider  
P.O. Box 1025  
Hollywood, CA ▇▇▇▇▇-▇▇▇▇

**Your order:**  
Galdalf the Grey Wizard Statuette x 100 @ $39.99/ea  
Giftwrapping x 1 @ $5.00/ea

**Billed to:**  
Visa XXXX-XXXX-XXXX-1206 exp 11/11

**Gift note included:**  
_I thought these might come in handy._  
_\- Dirk_  


The evening after you place that order, you fumble and drop a screw while you're working. It rolls under the refrigerator.

When you reach underneath you find a scrap of paper. Frowning, you pull it out.

It's a note.

_jesus christ you little brat thats the fifth credit card ive had to cancel because of you. knock it the fuck off._

It is the fifth time you've trolled him with some bullshit order off the internet, but this is the first time you've found a response.

**Thanks for your order, timaeusTestified!**

**Billing Address:**  
Dave Strider  
220 ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ Ave. Loft  
Houston, TX ▇▇▇▇▇-▇▇▇▇

**Shipping Address:**  
Dave Strider  
P.O. Box 1025  
Hollywood, CA ▇▇▇▇▇-▇▇▇▇

**Your order:**  
Count Chocula 32oz x 5 @ $4.99/ea  
Giftwrapping x 1 @ $5.00/ea

**Billed to:**  
Mastercard XXXX-XXXX-XXXX-4350 exp 06/12

**Gift note included:**  
_Leaving random notes scattered around is a highly inefficient method of communication. What if I find one of them before I order the package it's written in response to?_  


When you finish your evening shower a few hours after placing that order, you step out of the tub, miss the rug, and slip on the tile below. You go crashing to the floor.

A tile pops out of the floor, a note poking out from underneath.

_you wont. trust me._

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 23:08  
TG: omg omg omg dirk  
TG: dirk guesswat  
TG: guess what i jsut found11  
TG: *!!  
TT: Let me guess. A mysterious relic from your ancestor, apparently intended for you to find at this very moment in time and no sooner?  
TG: yeah!!!  
TG: its liek  
TG: this package of 100  
TG: fuckin  
TG: wizard stautes  
TG: with this note that says FOR ROXY  
TG: from my mom no doubt  
TG: i was just pokin around in this secluded little area in the lab  
TG: why would it be there  
TG: why would she be EXPECTIN me to look there  
TT: You know she was rumored to have mysterious precognitive abilities. It appears we're getting a glimpse into just how detailed her visions could be.  
TG: yeah wow  
TG: its really eerie and yet sweet  
TG: god i wish  
TG: i dunno  
TG: i could tell her tanks  
TG: and idk  
TG: i love her

**Thanks for your order, timaeusTestified!**

**Billing Address:**  
Dave Strider  
220 ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ Ave. Loft  
Houston, TX ▇▇▇▇▇-▇▇▇▇

**Shipping Address:**  
Dave Strider  
P.O. Box 1025  
Hollywood, CA ▇▇▇▇▇-▇▇▇▇

**Your order:**  
Philips CD-I retro game console x 1 @ $59.99/ea  
Link: The Faces of Evil x 1 @ $19.55/ea  
Giftwrapping x 1 @ $5.00/ea

**Billed to:**  
American Express XXXXX-XXXXX-X8970 exp 04/13

**Gift note included:**  
_Tell Lalonde that Roxy says "Thanks" and "I love you"._

Your computer has been running slow lately, so you disassemble it to upgrade some of the parts. There's a fucking sticky note stuck to the back of the damn motherboard.

 _ok dirk you win lets do this. lets talk. but if youre gonna order so much crap can you at least not send it to my po. like is that really fucking necessary???_  
_so tell me about your life, what kind of shit do you get up to? hows the future? ha ha dont answer that, i know it sucks. but tell me about yourself. i guess im a little curious._

**Thanks for your order, timaeusTestified!**

**Billing Address:**  
Dave Strider  
220 ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ Ave. Loft  
Houston, TX ▇▇▇▇▇-▇▇▇▇

**Shipping Address:**  
Dave Strider  
612 ▇▇▇▇▇▇ Circle Suite 300  
Hollywood, CA ▇▇▇▇▇-▇▇▇▇

Your order:  
Brown/purple argyle-paisley necktie x 1 @ $29.99/ea  
Giftwrapping x 1 @ $5.00/ea

**Billed to:**  
American Express XXXXX-XXXXX-X8970 exp 04/13

**Gift note included:**  
_You're right, it's pretty lame. Not a whole lot to do around here. I spend most of my time putting together robots. Making puppets. Fucking around with the sword you left me, swimming around and exploring the ruins.  
Besides that I basically spend all my time on the internet. So in that regard it's not too different from if I lived in the 21st century._  


You grab a new case of orange soda from the crawlspace and break it open. Resting on top of the dozens of bottles of tangerine ambrosia is a thick envelope with the name _Dirk_ scrawled on the front. Crude drawings of Sweet Bro, Hella Jeff, and Geromy decorate the envelope.

Sitting right there in the dusty crawlspace, you open the envelope and pull out several sheets of paper. It's an entire fucking letter, like ten fucking pages long. Jesus Christ. A detailed account of how your ancestor's life has been, details on how he knew you would read the notes he left when he intended for you to. Naturally Lalonde's scrying abilities were involved, which you'd sort of been suspecting. How much he wishes he could have raised you himself--that you didn't have to grow up in this cesspit of a future.

You read it from front to back, over and over again, until your vision starts to blur. One positive aspect of your upbringing is that the only one you have to answer to for your tears is yourself.


End file.
